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Dear Covid 19

Dear COVID-19,

 

You have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have always been an outgoing person; I have always been quite the extrovert, to anyone but the people living in my home. Coming from a family that was broken and after my Grandma passed on years ago, we couldn’t talk without raising our voices, we rarely saw each other. I didn’t feel like there was love in this house that was not a home. 

My broken engagement showed me that I was demanding for a love where it did not exist because I could not find it in the little things, but this ordeal showed me that I already have all that I need; this ordeal had to happen for me to finally realise it.

Being forced to stay in a Hokkien household all day long where my family communicates by shouting across rooms got on my nerves. Their sharp voices made me cranky, working from home hearing loud conversations and knocks on my door in the middle of an urgent task gave me more stress than I needed. My short temper had gotten from bad to worse, the pre-existing frustrations from my then-relationship became harder to ignore. I started lashing out without control and arguments were more frequent than before. The first month was a mess, every little thing made me mad. I was going through an emotional battle within myself and I have had more breakdowns during this circuit breaker than I have ever had in the past few years. Worst of all, I felt so alone.

 

But the next month got better. For the first time in a long while, my family sat down to eat together. A few weeks later, we started to chat with one another. We talked about wearing masks, we talked about the rising numbers, we talked about little things and in time we bonded. Our voices became kinder, we started to speak softer. This house started to become a home. Coming from a family where we never said “I love you” to each other, I started thinking back to all of the times I took this place for granted. Dear COVID-19, you showed me that love was already here.

 

Over time, love was found in simple dinners with my aunt that became the highlight of each day. It was found in my dad starting to put out his cigarettes every time I came into the living room, realising that every single time he lights up I would leave the room. It was found in the takeaway packets of my favourite food that my Grandpa bought for me, it was knowing that he cared enough to notice these little details about me. It was found in my dog running up to comfort me every time I burst out into an ocean of tears, and it was found in hearing God’s word that gives me the strength to carry on after my relationship has fallen and an engagement was broken. Love was found in the little things that they did and little things that they still do. Amidst the chaos and the trials that came during the outbreak, God showed me that there were things that are far greater than my present situation. He showed me that the ones who loved me were already here. My Abba Father and my family (including my best friend who is virtually here), they are here. I’m given back the time that I lost from my wasted years of not being where they were.

 

My broken engagement showed me that I was demanding for a love where it did not exist because I could not find it in the little things, but this ordeal showed me that I already have all that I need; this ordeal had to happen for me to finally realise it.

 

Dear COVID-19, you taught me to never take anyone for granted. You brought out the worst in me and you showed me my flaws – you brutally took away my pride, but God graciously and patiently showed me the areas I need to work on. I am thankful that despite the chaos in the world, I will be leaving this circuit breaker with a family that I’ve always wanted, with friendships that have deeper connections and an even stronger faith in a God who can and will turn the worst situations for the better.

 

Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.

 

– Isaiah 43:19 New King James Version (NKJV)

Ameline Tan

25 May 2020