Daphne Goh


Dear Covid-19, It's honestly a love hate relationship with you. At your first outbreak in China, all I could remember was the massive amount of infections and deaths you have caused. Back then, it seemed like a far away issue that only serves as a sharing topic that people were buzzing about. Little did we know, you gradually attacked the world, and of course, our little red dot, Singapore. When we started to see infections here and there around the region, we were all a little more cautious with our actions and behaviours. We were still living life as it is. 'Singapore is entering circuit breaker mode from 7th April onwards'. As we all hope for life to remain normal, the breaking of this news saddens the country. We were slowly rob away from all social interactions, activities and usual daily life routine because of your existence. We had to adapt to staying at home for months and work-from-home situation. Our normal lives were changing. We cannot go out. We cannot meet our friends. We cannot dine out. We cannot roam about the streets freely. We cannot. The list continues. Because of you, the world is suffering a lot. People are dying every single day. People are living in anxiety and uncertainties. Up till now, I am still in doubt. How did you magically just appear and boom, the world is becoming the state it is in now? You tested my patience, my anxiety, my emotions and my struggles. Today officially marks the last day of circuit breaker and the start of phase 1. Looking back at the past month, I wouldn't say that circuit breaker period has allowed me to be more productive or to learn something new. Because honestly the motivation to be productive or to at least pick up a new skill is just not there. I am a really lazy person and if I had the time in the world after my finals to really just laze around and rot, I would definitely choose to potate. I can't seem to find that passion or need to do something productive though I feel shitty for just simply rotting. But it is what it is. This whole month, I completed a few dramas & movies, tried drawing (0.005 progress, never touched it ever since), baked once/twice, packed my room, learnt a few dance choreographies. I guess that's pretty much sums up some of the things I actually did during this period. I really enjoy the comfort of being at home and being with my family members. That is something I truly appreciate a lot. I get to spend a lot more time with my mum and sisters because without you, I would probably spend 70% of my time outside. I usually go out in the morning for school and come home around dinner time or late at night if I have dance. Basically I don't have this luxury to spend time at home with them as much when I have school or dance commitments. I feel ashamed for only appreciating all these little things only when bad things like you really happen. We used to take things for granted and complain about almost anything in the world. But really, just take a look around you, is your life really that bad? Without you, we will never realise how fortunate we are to be able to being stay in the comfort of our own houses 24/7 and the privilege we have of being at home. I feel more for the society I am living in, the need to be compassionate, considerate and understanding. Needless to say, I really really miss the social comforts when we were outside. I miss being around people. I miss the skinship you get when you are with your loved ones and friends outside. I miss being physically present. I miss being able to go out without wearing a mask. I miss taking public transport. I miss going to school. I miss. Because of you, I get to catch up with more friends than I would in real life. With technology, many social communication platforms are made available for us to connect with our loved ones. With just a touch, we can easily ring up our friends from all over. I am glad that I had this opportunity to do things virtually with my close friends, being able to just talk and catch up, watching a movie together, exercising together, watching a drama together, studying together or playing games together. I really appreciate the thought of a call because they could spend their time doing their own things but yeah. It's like "why would someone even think of calling me". I am just glad. Even if its just these few activities, I really do appreciate the presence of someone being there although it kinds of makes me miss the person more. It just feels like being present while not actually being present. That feeling sucks. But I am still thankful. Because of you, I am forced to face my thoughts every single day ever since circuit breaker started. I struggled the worst mental and emotional breakdown during this period. To be honest, up till now, I still don't exactly know the trigger to this mental state I am having. I just feel so lost and empty every now and then, it's just making me sad and want to cry. When I think about my aimless life and how I am missing 'life', it just makes me sadder. Inevitably, I think about those thoughts unconsciously and because I'm at home, no matter what I am doing, the thought just comes. No matter how hard I try to distract myself, it lingers. Sometimes it haunts, which is pretty scary. The feeling of emptiness gets super overwhelming at times, especially when I am alone at night with nothing to do. It's hard to put into words but I am also thankful for you in allowing me to better understand myself slowly. Although it's hard and process is tough, I am slowly (trying) able to breathe more. I am thankful for this chance to be at home and really face my thoughts and try to accept them even if they come as and when and no matter how hard I may crash. It's still a part of me. Though it's no one to blame, I am still thankful for you. Your presence allowed many, including myself, to grow to be a better person. We are now able to understand the struggles and anxieties that others go through that we will never experience ourselves. You brought out the most compassionate and selfless self of people amidst the tough period. You taught me how to not take things and people for granted, learn to let go and live, learn to appreciate your loved ones more. This relationship is tough. I really do wish for you to go away as soon as possible so that we all can return to our normal lives and enjoy being outside. Although the end is blur and bleak, I am sure that we can go through this together. I hope for the world to get well soon. Don't give up hope and faith. ♡